Tuesday, October 23, 2012

A Change of Perspective

As you may know from reading my last couple of blog post,
I have been struggling with fear and anxiety. 
I usually don't like people to know that I am struggling, 
but since I were my emotions on my sleeves,
 it is not hard to notice. 
 Over the last couple of days I have felt pretty hopeless, 
so I finally opened up to my friend. 
(of course she had already figured it out)
I told her that one reason I hold things in
 and try to look like I have it all together
 is because of my past. 
I know that my family has worried about me enough for 2 lifetimes. 
I don't want them to ever have to worry that I may go back to using drugs. 
(My family has never said anything to make me think this)
So my friend asked me "Do you ever think about using?"
With just that question everything got put into perspective. 
The answer to that question is NO. 
Absolutely and honestly NO!!!
God freed me from my addiction. 
I walked away and will not look back. 
The only thing I think of is pain and regret. 
So where was the perspective change? 
I am so glad you asked. 
God saved me from a life of misery. 
I went from wanting to die to being excited about living. 
He did for me what I could never do for myself. 
If He can get me through any thing. 
He did not leave me through my hardest times 
and He has not left me now. 
I will make it through what ever it is that I am struggling with now
and I will be stronger because of it. 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Looking up to the Littlest One

This weekend was a big weekend. 
Homecoming and a pageant. 
My beautiful baby sister was a hit. 
She won Most Photogenic, Miss Congeniality, and Future Queen.
I am so proud of her, 
and I believe that I was more nervous than her. 
As each of the girls walked across the stage they read their bios.
Each one had been asked who their role model was. 
As I sat there listening to my sister's bio,
and realizing that she was way more than they could ever say,
I realized that she was my role model. 

When I was 15 I was insecure, confused, and influenced. 
Madison, at 15, knows who she is, who she will be, and influences people. 
She wanted to get in shape....she did. 
She wanted to be in a pageant....she was. 
And when she was not crowned queen,
 she was still smiling and loving the girls that did. 
She loves people. 
She loves Jesus.
She loves family.
She is smart, funny, and beautiful. 

I very much loved carrying her around on my hip.
I loved those nights when she actually let me rock her to sleep. 
I loved how she use to copy me.
I love when she outed my dad dressed up as Santa at the 4 year old Christmas party. 
(that was really funny)
But I am loving her being a teenager. 
She is easy to talk to and fun to be around. 
She also keeps me aware of the latest trends. 
I am also looking forward to her future
 and the great friend I know she will be. 

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Fear & His Friend

Well that little 4 letter word is back....
And this time it brought its friend anxiety
For the most part of my life,
I am easy going and care free. 
I can roll with the punches, and handle stress with a smile. 
But there are certain areas that I am a 
CONTROL FreaK!!!!!!!!
In parts of my life I am organized, diligent, and hard working. 
(I wish some of this would spill over into the other ares)
But I am not always in control. 
I often take responsibility for things that I don't have to 
because the small narcissistic part of my brain 
thinks things will go wrong if I don't take care of them. 
So as there are parts of my life that are changing
(despite my effort to keep them the same)
I have to give up control. 
So along with letting go of control I became anxious and fearful.
and at times unbearable
So the point of this post is simply one thing:
To let you know that I am feeling crazy right now. 
Fear and anxiety make me feel like I am losing my mind. 
I imaging that some of you can relate. 
Maybe some of you have figured this stuff out.
If you have please help a sister out. 
If not we can be crazy together. 

Sunday, October 7, 2012

FEAR is a four letter word

For a while now I have been praying for opportunity.
Opportunity for something new.....change....different.
Well I got a chance.
I got a chance to meet new people;
 a group of Christians around my age and in a similar place in life-
working on a career and some are no doubt single. 
So what did I do with the chance?
Nothing. Nada. Nothing
I know what you are thinking.
Cary, you had an answer to a prayer
and you let the opportunity pass.
Well I have only one word for you.
I am scared.
I am afraid of rejection and judgment.
I am afraid that I will be older than everyone there.
I am afraid that will think it is weird for me to be 30,
 but still have not accomplished much with my life.
I am afraid that I wear my past where they can see;
very much like a big scarlet letter A.
I am afraid that they can see my insecurity.
I am afraid that they will sense my desperation for something different.
I am afraid that they will judge me for being over weight.
This list can just keep going.
I know what else you are thinking.
I was not given a spirit of fear.
The fear is the devil stilling my joy and my opportunity.
Knowing it and believing it is two very different things.
Trusting God is something that I am working on.
Depending on Him to walk through the fear is a goal.
Being honest about it is a step.
And He continues to teach me things every step of the way.

**The event that I missed is not a one time thing.
So maybe you will pray with me for the courage to step out of my comfort zone next time. 

Monday, October 1, 2012

I've Been Thinking

I have been sitting here for 30 minutes 
trying to think of what I can say about my no good very bad day, 
but I got nothing. 
And if I am honest with myself, 
you don't really want to listen to me complain about my day. 
So what to write......?

Well let me tell you what has been on my mind.
I am in a rut.
For as long as I can remember I have been a thinker.
I am constantly thinking, questioning, analyzing, and wondering.
My brain never shuts down.
I am always questioning my motives...
Why did I do that?
Why can't I let that go?
What am I doing wrong?
I mean for the love of Pete....when will it stop.

I have come to a realization.
I am always questioning myself,
but I never challenge myself.
I can always find what is wrong,
but I never focus on what is right.
I have spent enough time thinking.
Now it is time to do something.

........now I have to think about what I need to do.