I am one of those girls who is fascinated with love. A hopeless romantic? I don’t know? Maybe. For as long as I can remember I have had this fascination of what love was supposed to look and feel like. I have had a few boyfriends and even been in love once or twice. Romantic love seems to be something that I have spent numerous hours contemplating. The one thing that I have learned is that what I have had has never been enough. When I had this love I always wanted more. It never lived up to my expectations. The love that I had never saved me or completed me like I thought it should. It kept me wondering, where did I go wrong? It wasn’t until my mid 20’s that I realized that what I was looking for could not be found in just any ole man. What I needed, and continue to need, is a Savior. There was a Jesus size hole in me that no man can fill.
But my love struggle did not stop there. In my finite human brain I cannot comprehend the love of Jesus. I don’t deserve it, can’t earn, and can’t get rid of it. So I ask, “Is this too good to be true?” See what I do is try to see Jesus’ love the way I have experienced love—which has been imperfect and unsatisfying. I also struggle with the fear of God’s condemnation and Old Testament-e things(but this is a topic for later discussion). So basically what I am telling you is I struggle to understand the whole “God is love” thing. How am I supposed to understand God if I can’t even understand love? (Queue the dramatic show of exasperation) I have this note card above my desk at work with Paul’s famous love chapter (1 Cor 13) that keeps me in check when I am feeling unlovely. This week a light bulb came on in my head. The verses not only define what love is, but they define who God is. God is patient, God is kind, God keeps no record of wrong, etc. God’s love cannot fit in the box that I built to define love, because God’s love is nothing like that love. God’s love for me is nothing I will ever be able to give or receive from anyone else. I don’t think that I will even truly understand this love (at least not this side of heaven). So I think that I will finally be able to stop trying to figure love out. If I love or am loved in His image then I am on the right path. My peace will not come from a full understanding. It will comewhen I put my faith and trust in Him and His love.