Wednesday, May 15, 2013

What's Love?

I am one of those girls who is fascinated with love. A hopeless romantic? I don’t know? Maybe. For as long as I can remember I have had this fascination of what love was supposed to look and feel like. I have had a few boyfriends and even been in love once or twice. Romantic love seems to be something that I have spent numerous hours contemplating. The one thing that I have learned is that what I have had has never been enough. When I had this love I always wanted more. It never lived up to my expectations. The love that I had never saved me or completed me like I thought it should. It kept me wondering, where did I go wrong? It wasn’t until my mid 20’s that I realized that what I was looking for could not be found in just any ole man. What I needed, and continue to need, is a Savior. There was a Jesus size hole in me that no man can fill.

But my love struggle did not stop there. In my finite human brain I cannot comprehend the love of Jesus. I don’t deserve it, can’t earn, and can’t get rid of it. So I ask, “Is this too good to be true?” See what I do is try to see Jesus’ love the way I have experienced love—which has been imperfect and unsatisfying. I also struggle with the fear of God’s condemnation and Old Testament-e things(but this is a topic for later discussion). So basically what I am telling you is I struggle to understand the whole “God is love” thing. How am I supposed to understand God if I can’t even understand love? (Queue the dramatic show of exasperation) I have this note card above my desk at work with Paul’s famous love chapter (1 Cor 13) that keeps me in check when I am feeling unlovely. This week a light bulb came on in my head. The verses not only define what love is, but they define who God is. God is patient, God is kind, God keeps no record of wrong, etc. God’s love cannot fit in the box that I built to define love, because God’s love is nothing like that love. God’s love for me is nothing I will ever be able to give or receive from anyone else. I don’t think that I will even truly understand this love (at least not this side of heaven). So I think that I will finally be able to stop trying to figure love out. If I love or am loved in His image then I am on the right path. My peace will not come from a full understanding. It will comewhen I put my faith and trust in Him and His love.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

I Forget

Yesterday I got to have coffee with two women that I had just met. They are both older—around my mom’s age I would guess. They are both Christ followers and the conversation was amazing. At the end of our meeting they stated to me that they admired how confident I am in Christ. I think it was probably one of the best compliments of my life, but to be honest, I was shocked.

See I don’t see myself as others do. I see an insecure, unworthy, unqualified, and at times emotional unbalanced woman. If I am being really honesty, I sometimes have a hard time calling myself a woman. Sometimes I still like a struggling young adult fresh out of adolescents. I am so hard on myself. I may be harder on myself than anyone else ever will be.

I forget that Jesus see’s me so very differently. I forget that I am washed by grace as a daughter of the one true King. I forget that He knew me in my mother’s womb. I forget that He knows the numbers of hairs on my head. I forget that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. It is easy for me to point out good qualities in others, but not in myself. My prayer now is that I start to see myself as God see’s me. Someone that He loves so much He sent His Son to the cross to die for my sins so that I can spend eternity with Him. That is who I am and who I want to be.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Not Ready Yet

I am a journaler. 
I love journals. 
I love to get everything out at the end of the day. 
It is a release of emotions for me. 
When I get done journaling, 
 I feel the weight of the day is lifted. 
I try to journal daily. 
Even if it just one word or one sentence, 
I try to get it out. 
But lately I can't journal. 
I haven't journaled since March, 
and I have so much that I am carrying around since then. 
So much to get out. 

In March my Mamaw got sick. 
Very sick. 
She had surgery and was in the hospital for a while. 
After surgery she was in ICU for about 2 weeks (I think).
And after almost a month of fighting she died. 
It was hard. 
It is still hard. 
And I can't journal. 
I am afraid. 
 I know when I do it will hurt. 
Just writing this now hurts. 
I miss her so much. 

During my Mamaw's sickness, 
 I experienced some life changing moments. 
I experienced things that I have not ever experienced. 
I lost one of the people that I loved the most. 
And I know she loved me unconditionally. 
I know that when I finally journal after the pain comes relief. 
I am just not ready yet. 
I know she would want me to write. 
And I will, just not yet. 

Thursday, May 2, 2013

The Anti Gossip

I have to admit that it sucks me in time after time. It even sneaks up on me sometimes. I think that I am actually doing something good in “venting” my frustration or getting informed on what is going on around me. I guess it is not a big shock with the society we live in. We have weekly magazines published to tell us all the latest buzz of celebrities and their day-to-day lives. I try really hard to distance myself from gossip until boom I am right back in the middle of it again.

Tonight I met with my weekly Bible study group and we did something a little different. We talked about people that weren’t there. We even talked about each other. The thing that was different was that we only said good things about every person we talked about. It felt good to hear people say nice things about me, but that wasn’t a big surprise. The thing that shocked me is how good it felt to talk about those other people. We really focused on the things that we loved about them. It was awesome.

It has made me stop and think. What if we did that often? What if we did it in work settings? With our friends? With our families? What if we pointed out peoples good qualities instead of their faults? What if we built people up instead of tearing them down? What kind of difference could we make if we spread love instead of hate?