Not Ready Yet

I am a journaler. 

I love journals. 

I love to get everything out at the end of the day. 

It is a release of emotions for me. 

When I get done journaling, 

 I feel the weight of the day is lifted. 

I try to journal daily. 

Even if it just one word or one sentence, 

I try to get it out. 

But lately I can't journal. 

I haven't journaled since March, 

and I have so much that I am carrying around since then. 

So much to get out. 

In March my Mamaw got sick. 

Very sick. 

She had surgery and was in the hospital for a while. 

After surgery she was in ICU for about 2 weeks (I think).

And after almost a month of fighting she died. 

It was hard. 

It is still hard. 

And I can't journal. 

I am afraid. 

 I know when I do it will hurt. 

Just writing this now hurts. 

I miss her so much. 

During my Mamaw's sickness, 

 I experienced some life changing moments. 

I experienced things that I have not ever experienced. 

I lost one of the people that I loved the most. 

And I know she loved me unconditionally. 

I know that when I finally journal after the pain comes relief. 

I am just not ready yet. 

I know she would want me to write. 

And I will, just not yet.