Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Not Ready Yet

I am a journaler. 
I love journals. 
I love to get everything out at the end of the day. 
It is a release of emotions for me. 
When I get done journaling, 
 I feel the weight of the day is lifted. 
I try to journal daily. 
Even if it just one word or one sentence, 
I try to get it out. 
But lately I can't journal. 
I haven't journaled since March, 
and I have so much that I am carrying around since then. 
So much to get out. 

In March my Mamaw got sick. 
Very sick. 
She had surgery and was in the hospital for a while. 
After surgery she was in ICU for about 2 weeks (I think).
And after almost a month of fighting she died. 
It was hard. 
It is still hard. 
And I can't journal. 
I am afraid. 
 I know when I do it will hurt. 
Just writing this now hurts. 
I miss her so much. 

During my Mamaw's sickness, 
 I experienced some life changing moments. 
I experienced things that I have not ever experienced. 
I lost one of the people that I loved the most. 
And I know she loved me unconditionally. 
I know that when I finally journal after the pain comes relief. 
I am just not ready yet. 
I know she would want me to write. 
And I will, just not yet. 



3 comments:

deb said...

so sweet....

Carrie Gauthier said...

There is no rush. When you are ready, you are ready. It takes time. But, you are right. Once you get it down, face the emotions and thoughts, you'll feel relieved. Maybe not all at once, but at least a little bit.

Carrie Gauthier said...

No rush! When you're ready, you're ready. It takes time. Some need more time than others. You will know when its time for you.