Where is the Sun?

Sometimes my mind sees things so simply. 

For instance, when it is cloudy and there is no trace of the sun

I think that the sun and blue sky have gone away, 

as if they were over some other place far away. 

I forget that the sun is actually right behind those dark rainy clouds. 

There has been a lot of gray skies in my part of the world lately. 

There was finally a break in the clouds and, to my surprise,

there was the bright sunshine and blue sky. 

It made me think about hard times in each of our lives. 

I know that there are times that I wonder 

if God is paying attention to me or is he paying attention to someone else? 

Seeing the sun peak out from behind the clouds made me realize, 

He is always there. 

Even when it looks dark and it is not apparent that he is there

He is. 

He always is. 

A Confident Heart

Chapter 1

I am really excited to be doing an online Bible study. 

For 1 reason it is new and fun and I can meet new bloggers. 

2 the book is just what I need to be reading. 

Recently I have become aware that, 

even at 30, I am driven by insecurity. 

I pray that God shines light on the confidence He has planned for us. 

Hidden God

Scrolling through Twitter yesterday I saw a tweet 

that was referencing 

the school shooting in Newtown. 

It was to Dave Ramsey, 

a well known Christian finance guy. 

The tweet said, "Where is your God now?" 

Dave had a great answer that spoke no words of hate. 

The question made me sad, 

but I realized that there are probably 

tons of people asking that same question.

"Where was God?"

I have no doubt

 that God was right where He was suppose to be.

I believe that He was there in the school. 

I believe He was in the classrooms and hallways. 

I believe that He spoke courage to the hearts of the teachers, 

and wrapped love around those sweet babies. 

I also believe He was with those that were lost. 

I believe He was there to welcome them home. 

I believe that He took them all in His arms 

and led them out of harms way. 

Where He took them they will have no more hurt or tears. 

They will forever be in the presence of Jesus. 

Some people believe that tragic events like this prove there is no God. 

I think that it proves the exact opposite. 

I believe it shows that we are all searching for something bigger than us;

something to guide and protect us. 

I know that God can use anything for His glory. 

I do not understand why this happened to these people. 

I cannot see the big picture, 

but I trust in my God. 

I trust that He has a plan. 

I trust that He will never leave those that love Him. 

God promised us that we would have hard times, 

but He also promised that He would be there through it all. 

So in hard times I turn to Him. 

I pray for His love and peace be with those that have lost so much. 

I pray that through this lives are changed. 

I pray that we learn that hate will not heal our wounds.

I pray that there is love sparked in our hearts for our brothers and sisters.

*Picture found on Google 

Retreat

My last few weekends have been great. 

They have been full of family, friends, and food.

I have been to 2 very important high school foot ball games, 

and 1 fantastic wedding. 

I have visited with family and ran into old friends. 

For about 3 weeks I have not stopped. 

I have had a great time,

but I am pooped. 

I slept almost all day. 

I have not spoken to anyone. 

I just laid around and rested. 

And it has been fantastic. 

It just reminds me how important it is to rest. 

I mean think about it,

Even Jesus retreated to the mountains. 

Sticks and Stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones 

but words will never hurt me."

That saying may be one of the biggest lies I have ever heard.

Words can hurt.

Words have power to damage and destroy.

Sometimes those hurts can last a life time. 

But words also have the power to heal and bring hope.

Let's think about it.

God spoke the world into existence.

In Genesis we are told that God said,

 "Let there be...." and there was.

In Proverbs it is said, "The tongue has the power of life and death."

(Proverbs 18:21 NIV)

That is a lot of power found just in spoken words.

Our world is full of hate today.

The words that are being spoken are hateful.

What is really sad is that very often 

it is the words of God's people that are fueling hate. 

As followers of Christ, 

our words should be set apart from the words of the world.

Ephesians 4: 29 says, 

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, 

but only what is helpful for building others up 

according to their needs, 

that it may benefit those who listen."

In my job I have an opportunity to speak

 words of encouragement into the lives of many.

What God is revealing to me is that,

 outside of my counseling moments,

in other aspects of my life I am not so careful with my words.

I am not always speaking word of life and truth.

My prayer for myself is that 

I not be a person that speaks words of destruction into the lives of others, 

but to speak words of love that inspire change and dreams. 

What kind of words are you saying to others?

Are you speaking words of hope or hurt?

A Change of Perspective

As you may know from reading my last couple of blog post,

I have been struggling with fear and anxiety. 

I usually don't like people to know that I am struggling, 

but since I were my emotions on my sleeves,

 it is not hard to notice. 

 Over the last couple of days I have felt pretty hopeless, 

so I finally opened up to my friend. 

(of course she had already figured it out)

I told her that one reason I hold things in

 and try to look like I have it all together

 is because of my past. 

I know that my family has worried about me enough for 2 lifetimes. 

I don't want them to ever have to worry that I may go back to using drugs. 

(My family has never said anything to make me think this)

So my friend asked me "Do you ever think about using?"

With just that question everything got put into perspective. 

The answer to that question is NO. 

Absolutely and honestly NO!!!

God freed me from my addiction. 

I walked away and will not look back. 

The only thing I think of is pain and regret. 

So where was the perspective change? 

I am so glad you asked. 

God saved me from a life of misery. 

I went from wanting to die to being excited about living. 

He did for me what I could never do for myself. 

If He can get me through any thing. 

He did not leave me through my hardest times 

and He has not left me now. 

I will make it through what ever it is that I am struggling with now

and I will be stronger because of it. 

Looking up to the Littlest One

This weekend was a big weekend. 

Homecoming and a pageant. 

My beautiful baby sister was a hit. 

She won Most Photogenic, Miss Congeniality, and Future Queen.

I am so proud of her, 

and I believe that I was more nervous than her. 

As each of the girls walked across the stage they read their bios.

Each one had been asked who their role model was. 

As I sat there listening to my sister's bio,

and realizing that she was way more than they could ever say,

I realized that she was my role model. 

When I was 15 I was insecure, confused, and influenced. 

Madison, at 15, knows who she is, who she will be, and influences people. 

She wanted to get in shape....she did. 

She wanted to be in a pageant....she was. 

And when she was not crowned queen,

 she was still smiling and loving the girls that did. 

She loves people. 

She loves Jesus.

She loves family.

She is smart, funny, and beautiful. 

I very much loved carrying her around on my hip.

I loved those nights when she actually let me rock her to sleep. 

I loved how she use to copy me.

I love when she outed my dad dressed up as Santa at the 4 year old Christmas party. 

(that was really funny)

But I am loving her being a teenager. 

She is easy to talk to and fun to be around. 

She also keeps me aware of the latest trends. 

I am also looking forward to her future

 and the great friend I know she will be. 

Fear & His Friend

Well that little 4 letter word is back....

FEAR!!!

And this time it brought its friend anxiety. 

For the most part of my life,

I am easy going and care free. 

I can roll with the punches, and handle stress with a smile. 

But there are certain areas that I am a 

CONTROL FreaK!!!!!!!!

In parts of my life I am organized, diligent, and hard working. 

(I wish some of this would spill over into the other ares)

But I am not always in control. 

I often take responsibility for things that I don't have to 

because the small narcissistic part of my brain 

thinks things will go wrong if I don't take care of them. 

So as there are parts of my life that are changing

(despite my effort to keep them the same)

I have to give up control. 

So along with letting go of control I became anxious and fearful.

and at times unbearable

So the point of this post is simply one thing:

To let you know that I am feeling crazy right now. 

Fear and anxiety make me feel like I am losing my mind. 

I imaging that some of you can relate. 

Maybe some of you have figured this stuff out.

If you have please help a sister out. 

If not we can be crazy together. 

xoxo, 

Cary

FEAR is a four letter word

For a while now I have been praying for opportunity.

Opportunity for something new.....change....different.

Well I got a chance.

I got a chance to meet new people;

 a group of Christians around my age and in a similar place in life-

working on a career and some are no doubt single. 

So what did I do with the chance?

Nothing. Nada. Nothing
I know what you are thinking.
Cary, you had an answer to a prayer
and you let the opportunity pass.
Why?
Well I have only one word for you.
FEAR
I am scared.
I am afraid of rejection and judgment.
I am afraid that I will be older than everyone there.
I am afraid that will think it is weird for me to be 30,
 but still have not accomplished much with my life.
I am afraid that I wear my past where they can see;
very much like a big scarlet letter A.
I am afraid that they can see my insecurity.
I am afraid that they will sense my desperation for something different.
I am afraid that they will judge me for being over weight.
This list can just keep going.
I know what else you are thinking.
I was not given a spirit of fear.
The fear is the devil stilling my joy and my opportunity.
Knowing it and believing it is two very different things.
Trusting God is something that I am working on.
Depending on Him to walk through the fear is a goal.
Being honest about it is a step.
And He continues to teach me things every step of the way.

**The event that I missed is not a one time thing.
So maybe you will pray with me for the courage to step out of my comfort zone next time. 

I've Been Thinking

I have been sitting here for 30 minutes 

trying to think of what I can say about my no good very bad day, 

but I got nothing. 

And if I am honest with myself, 

you don't really want to listen to me complain about my day. 

So what to write......?

Well let me tell you what has been on my mind.
I am in a rut.
For as long as I can remember I have been a thinker.
I am constantly thinking, questioning, analyzing, and wondering.
My brain never shuts down.
I am always questioning my motives...
Why did I do that?
Why can't I let that go?
What am I doing wrong?
I mean for the love of Pete....when will it stop.

I have come to a realization.
I am always questioning myself,
but I never challenge myself.
I can always find what is wrong,
but I never focus on what is right.
I have spent enough time thinking.
Now it is time to do something.

........now I have to think about what I need to do.
 :)